to: my mom

to: my mom

Even though you can’t read this. I needed to write it. I’m sorry for being such a stubborn kid.

I know life hasn’t been the easiest for you and I know I’m not making it any easier by getting knocked up before I got married. Well at least I’m engaged which is more shocking than anything I think because I never wanted to get married.

Love always,

Your daughter

One of my first decisions as a mother-to-be involved having an argument with my mom. It was one of the hardest argument and decision I have had to make. It involved lying or telling the truth. Some back story, my fathers side of the family is a bit more traditional and in Asian cultures, face is very important.

After I had told my mom I was pregnant, she told my dad and her side of the family. So, I asked if she told my dad’s side of the family and this is when I knew we were going to have a disagreement. She wanted to lie and say that my fiancé and I got married and am now having a baby. To some, it’s just a little white lie. To me, I didn’t want my son to grow up having to pretend and lie. I grew up having to lie or pretend that I didn’t know as much as I did or that I had to lie so that they wouldn’t ask too many questions. I hated that. It’s exhausting to me and that’s one of the reasons why I could never stay in Taiwan for very long. 

I wanted to teach my son to be an honest person. How can I do that if I’m lying to him or telling him to lie? It really did come down to what kind of person I wanted my son to be, the values I wanted to teach him.

So, I told my mom, I can tell my dads side of the family if you want me to. I told her that if they cared, they didn’t ever have to see my son. If they even so much as acted like it mattered, they don’t get to see my son. We live miles and miles away. I have to make the effort and time to go see them. At the end of the day, it’s my choice, my son.

My mom folded and agreed to do things my way and I, well, I became a mother in that moment. Even before my child was born, I became his mother.

When was your moment of realizing you were a parent? Not you know when the baby is born but when you thought about things differently. My mindset clearly changed in that moment as I knew immediately I would not want my mother to lie not because of me but because of how I wanted my child to grow up. I thought about my child first before I thought of myself. When did that happen for you?

<3 Sarah

#selfcaresundays – why I’m going for walks

to: me

This week as my fiancé goes for runs, Tux and I have been going for walks.

  

I decided to go for walks while my fiancé goes for runs because I needed to get out of the house. 

I’m tired of being at home all day and night. 

I’m tired of going out just for errands. 

I’m tired of the chaos that is bringing a baby anywhere. 

I’m just tired of being a mom. 

Yes, I said it. 

Some days, I really am. I just want to stop. But, yes I still have to take my baby boy out for these walks with me and no, it’s not for him. These walks are for me because sometimes, you just need to stop and smell the roses.

This is my therapy. Writing and walking.

This is how I will take care of myself, my mental, emotional, physical self.  

These walks are refreshing as it helps me stay more active and get out of the house without too much of a struggle. It gives me my sanity back if not for only a brief moment, I feel me again.

How are you parents keeping your sanity? Especially those stay-at-home parents? What keeps you going?

<3 Sarah

to: me – I made this

to: me

Today, I just had that moment of I made this while looking at Tux.

It’s amazing how in the weirdest moments, you realize you made this. You made him. He’s already 2 months and I think this is the first moment I went wow, I did this.

It’s been so surreal to me all this time. What with being busy attending to his needs and doing stuff around the house etc. In a brief moment today, I realized this little man, I created him.

That’s all I wanted to share today.

<3 Sarah