Hope everyone had a safe and Merry Christmas yesterday! Now that Christmas is over though that means it’s time to countdown to the New Year (and my birthday hehehe).
This is the time of year where I do a lot of reflection. So, everyday up till New Year’s, I will reflect on an aspect of my life and share them with you on this blog.
Today’s topic is: Love
I wanted to start off with love because an ex of mine’s birthday is on Christmas and another ex just got engaged on Christmas (Congrats!). Obviously both of these events made me think a lot about my own love life this past year.
Before I start reflecting on my love life, I wanted to say that my motto for this year was “alone does not have to be lonely.” I had this epiphany that “alone does not have to be lonely” because the year before that (December 2010), my boyfriend at the time had really disappointed me. We were supposed to spend that winter break together, to spend both our birthdays together, but instead, I was left alone. As much as my fingers want me to type out the details, I won’t. It’s in the past now and all I can say is that that was one of the loneliest I had ever felt in my life and I didn’t want to let that happen again. I wanted control of my life again.
So, this year, I started off with that motto. Although I did have the opportunity to go on a trip with another guy I decided to spend New Years and my birthday, alone because it was MY choice, not something I had no control over like a boyfriend having to go home. I’m not going to lie and say I never wondered what would have happened if I chose to go on that trip with that guy and his friends, would things have worked out differently between us? Maybe, maybe not but ultimately, I do not regret my decision because the moment I did that, was the moment I started taking back control of my life.
I admit, I am a girl who will rearrange my life for a guy. I have been this way for awhile now and I definitely realize that it has made me lose myself. But I am this way because I’ve lived on my own for awhile now and my family isn’t here either. When everyone is off spending time with their families, I am by myself and when I am in a relationship with someone, I want them to become my family but I am also scared that they will be like my family and leave me (my family never really left me, I chose to stay but it was a feeling I felt when I was younger). This is where I am such an oxymoron, because ultimately, I want someone to come home to (living with someone is a huge commitment right?) but I am a huge commitmentphobe and will do everything in my power to break up a relationship once things start to get serious. I’ve been a complete b**** and have definitely broken up with guys because I was scared that they would leave me. This year, I stopped being the girl who will rearrange my life for a guy, I took back my life and really focused on me. Yes, I really really liked a couple guys but now I was falling for guys who focused on their careers first and everything else second, which was what I started doing in a sense. Focusing on what I wanted to do, just look at the purpose of this blog. It all started off because of love.
This year, it started with a guy whom I truly admired and whom motivated me with his ambition rather than his pep talks. I do not regret ever meeting him, he is the reason I am where I am now and therefore no matter how mad I am at him (I am still mad at him), I am thankful for knowing him.
The first guy I met after that, is a guy whom I truly feel a connection with. I’m sure some of my friends think I’m in love with him because of the way I gush over him but really, it’s that connection. You don’t just get that connection with anyone. I don’t know if he feels the same way or not but I know that it wasn’t our time. At the end of the day though, I hope that we will always keep in touch because it’s not every day you meet someone that you feel that connection with.
The guy after that was a really nice guy whom I dated for awhile but things just didn’t work out. I tried dating him because he was super sweet and I had a lot of fun with him but something was missing. I don’t know if it was our lack of communication or our horrible schedules that just never worked out but we tried it out and it didn’t work out and life goes on.
Besides these three guys, another guy had sort of made his way back into my life. He did want to get together with me but we have too much history and I felt like we are better as friends. I have to admit that he was a shoulder I leaned on a lot this year. I am sure we will be friends for a long time.
This past year, love taught me to focus on myself. I have to be in control of what I want to do with my life before I can ever be in a relationship again I think because I don’t want to lose myself again not after years of trying to remember, to find out who I am and what I want to do. I need to be on the road to where I want to go before I can be with a guy. I realized that I need to be on my own path first and pick up the guys along the way and not be the hitchhiker that is taken along for the ride.
Have you reflected on love this year? Has things changed as much for you as it has for me? or has nothing changed and your relationship has blossomed?
“alone does not have to be lonely” ~ me