Originally what I planned to write about today was my New Year’s Goals but than I found out something last night that truly upset me.
Last year was sooo great because I had let go of all the hate and pain I had gone through with my family and just before the New Year came about, it all came back. To be honest, I don’t hate them, I am saddened. I have always been an advocate for the truth and my closest friends have put up with me speaking the truth even though sometimes it can be unbearable to hear. They understand that I tell them the truth even when no one else would because I love them.
Obviously everyone lies, a small white lie is still a lie. We all do it but you see, the problem with my family is that they suck at keeping lies or maybe I really AM just that intuitive. I have always been a very intuitive person and always go with my gut feelings but I did not expect what I heard.
This is such a public forum and I know that whatever I say on the internet, I can’t take back, so I won’t say anymore. I am just very upset right now and I want the truth to be spoken for once. Is that so hard to ask of my family? (In this post, when I talk about my family, I don’t just mean my immediate but my extended family as well.)
I grew up last year and when I went back to see my family, I was saddened because one side of my family never gathered together anymore. Since my great-grandfather passed away from that side of the family, we have all went our separate ways in a way. In some ways, I’m sure it was a relief to everyone but me. My immediate family is so different from the rest of my family that we just never saw eye to eye, they had all these prejudices towards my family because of my dad but all I remember, no all I CHOOSE to remember are the good times.
I remember staying with my aunt so I could learn drawing and Chinese Calligraphy with her daughter (my cousin), I miss playing cards with my grandma, I miss talking to my great-grandfather in broken Taiwanese, I miss how my great-grandmother use to prepare or get people to prepare all of my favourite foods when I went back. I miss hearing about the stories of how my uncle use to take me to the convenience store on his motorcycle to get junk food. I miss my family. Not just the side that have always been there for us but the side that we have lost in touch with.
If any of them ever read this, I want to ask them if they ever miss those simpler times? Am I the only one who remembers the good times? Am I the only one who misses the big family gatherings where for once it was never about us but about my great-grandfather or my grandmother?
What upset me the most, is that my own parents didn’t tell me. I guess they knew I would be upset but that is what I mean, I just want to hear the truth and they know they can’t lie to me.
I love my family, with all our ups and downs, all our trials and tribulations, all of the craziness, I love them because last year, I chose to remember the good times. I wish my family understood me better than trying to buy me off. No amount of money is going to bring back those memories, only they can. I wish they would all stop being scared of me, the only people they should fear is themselves because they are the ones who have been lying.
My goals for the New Year have now changed, I don’t even know what they are right now anymore. I need some time to think about it all but for now, I’m not going to let it stop me from enjoying my birthday vegas vacation.
Tomorrow is my birthday =) I cannot wait! Hope you all had a safe and Happy New Year! I wish you all the best in the New Year!
PS: Since I am going away from January 2nd – January 8th. I probably won’t be blogging much on this blog but you can find me on twitter (@sarahfan) and on instagram (@tomesarah).