to: pregnancy

to: pregnancy – my first trimester

to: pregnancy 

Why must you drain the life out of me? 

My first trimester was probably not as bad as some other people’s. It still sucked though.

Honestly, it started off similar to PMS for me so I didn’t think I was pregnant at first. I was tired all the time and my breasts were tender.

After I found out I was pregnant, my symptoms made sense. I would pass out almost immediately after work sometimes and still feel tired. This is coming from a girl that doesn’t sleep much, so it was weird for me. 

What was the worst about my first trimester?

Being sick and I don’t mean morning sickness sick, I mean I had a cold kind of sick. Since I was only in my first trimester, I basically couldn’t take anything which normally is fine because I don’t usually take medicine when I’m sick but I was sick for so long. My body wasn’t fighting it as quickly as it normally does. Part of the time I was sick, I was actually sick. The other half of the time, I got my cough. I call it “my cough” because when I was younger, I use to get a cough every time the seasons changed. After talking to a few pharmacists, I have found out that it may be asthma. What helped when I was younger was a humidifier (well a make shift humidifier of a bucket of water in my room while I slept). Eventually as I was getting better, we finally invested in one because my cough just wouldn’t go away and we figured we can use it when the baby is born.

How I felt during my first trimester?

Besides feeling sick, I felt really emotional and kind of down. I wonder if there is such a thing as prenatal depression? We hear so much more about postpartum depression but I feel like I had/have prenatal depression. I will be writing a whole post on this later. 

I know most of it is probably hormones but some of it was just leftover sadness from our loss. It was hard to get excited when we were still trying to comprehend what had happened with the chemical pregnancy. For awhile, my fiancĂ© was a bit distant to me. I threw a tantrum as I always do to get people to talk (I don’t know why it works, but it has always been how I have been able to express myself and get true answers and feelings from my family as well). We fought it out and I got him to express how he really felt. That experience made me realize how hard it must be for families to lose a child and stay together. We all grieve and deal with things differently and forget that we aren’t the only ones grieving. It’s not his or her loss, it’s all of our losses.

Did I get morning sickness?

Nope. I will say that I was afraid I was going to get morning sickness because I had/have to work. 

I also want to say to new mommies-to-be, listen to your body.

My body told me that I shouldn’t take a prenatal vitamin whole or with dairy as it caused me to have an upset tummy. 

It also told me that I needed to be armed with snacks at all times because even though I wasn’t eating more at meals, I couldn’t allow myself to get too hungry as it will upset my tummy as well. 

Did I have any crazy cravings?

Nope. Same kinds of cravings I always have around that time of year, chips and gummy candy. 

What were my must-haves for the first trimester?

1. Prenatal Vitamins

2. Sports Bra – something not too tight but had padding so my nipples don’t show

3. Humidifier

4. Snacks 

5. Lemon and Honey (for when I was sick)

What were some of your first trimester must-haves? 

I wish I had a good photo to show you guys but that’s just how life goes. More pictures in my future posts though 🙂

❀ Sarah

Self-care Sundays · to: pregnancy

#selfcaresundays – not losing yourself in motherhood

to: me

Self-care is still extremely important to me, even though I stopped blogging about it. All I wanted to do every week was sleep. I was tired and sick for awhile and then I found out I was pregnant, which explained the tiredness and being sick. I didn’t want to bore you guys with my self-care as it really was just trying to get enough sleep for what seemed like forever. I am not use to feeling tired all the time, I usually don’t sleep a lot, so it was a huge change for me.

Anyways, talking about change, I don’t want to change just because I’ve become a mother. I want that to add to who I am not become who I am. I’ve joined one of those parent groups on Facebook and I remember seeing a post about someone saying how she’s lost her friends since becoming pregnant. There was a lot of comments on it that made me think about this and where I stand. I can understand how her friend may feel, I’ve seen my friends move on with their lives and sometimes, it feels like you are being left behind. I can also understand how that mom-to-be may feel, like she hasn’t changed and still need her friend. Whatever the situation is or may be, there are always two sides of the story. Thus, I am going to make a conscientious effort to not just be a mother but a friend.

One of the things I did for self-care when I found out I was pregnant was not cancel my plans to go out clubbing with my friends. No I did not drink, just because you go to a club does not mean you need to drink. I can have fun without having a drink in my hand. My friends at the time didn’t know I was pregnant, I had to make up some excuse as to why I wasn’t drinking but it was worth it. I had so much fun laughing and dancing with my friends and not thinking about the fact that OMG I’m pregnant what the eff am I going to do.  

I didn’t take any pictures of just myself when I went out that time so here’s a picture of me years ago out on the town 😉


So, how have you pregnant moms kept your sanity while pregnant? What were some self-care that you did that helped you get through the pregnancy?

❀ Sarah

to: pregnancy

to: the girl who was late – how we found out

to: the girl who was late

I was maybe a week late when we decided I should take a pregnancy test. I took the test in the morning and it was positive. If I remember correctly I screamed it out from the bathroom to my significant other that it said positive. We didn’t really want to believe it because of what had just happened (the chemical pregnancy). So, I took another test the next day. Again it said positive and that I was 2-3 weeks pregnant. If you can’t tell already, we bought a few different brands to test. Still not really wanting to believe it, I took a third test the next day. Again, positive.

At that point we knew I should go see a doctor but because I didn’t have a family doctor, that became an ordeal. I won’t get into the details but eventually, I got to see an OB maybe a bit later than I should have. To be honest, I was fine.

I think it was also because we really didn’t want to get our hopes up. We ended up not really telling anybody until my first trimester was done. I told a couple of close friends because it was hard for us to deal with it together after what had happened. It took us fighting about it and eventually talking it out to realize that we needed to accept the fact that my fiancĂ© couldn’t be as supportive as he wanted to be because he was back in school and that I need to get the support from elsewhere. This pregnancy didn’t exactly come at the best time but that’s ok, some things you just can’t predict and you just have to go with it. I will say this though, I’m happy I found out at home rather than a doctors office but that’s just me.

❀ Sarah

PS: I’m trying to split up my pregnancy stories so that they aren’t too long. Hopefully, you won’t feel like you are being bombarded with pregnancy posts but this is my life and writing is part of my therapy for myself.

to: pregnancy

to: pregnancy – my chemical pregnancy story

to: pregnancy

On January 25, 2015, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling lightheaded. When I woke up again later in the early morning like 4 or 5am, I was still feeling super lightheaded and sick. I had never felt like this before. It was a Sunday and I was supposed to go to work but my lightheadedness caused me to feel dizzy and eventually nauseous. I thought maybe I needed to eat something, so I tried eating something and drinking water. I thought maybe by the time I needed to go to work I would be fine so I took a shower and started getting ready for work but I was just still very unsteady on my feet that my boyfriend at the time (fiancé now) told me to call into work sick. I did and we looked up which walk-in clinic was open and at what time.

It was such a horrible day for me to have felt this way as my boyfriend’s (fiancĂ©) car was at the auto shop getting repaired. So we had to  call for a taxi and left for the walk-in clinic early since not many are open on Sunday’s and we expected a line and we were correct to expect that. I didn’t end up getting to go see a doctor until about past noon. Can’t recall the exact time but while I waited in the mall by the clinic, I got some tea and my significant other went to borrow his mom’s car so that he could drop me off at home and make it to work on time. At least that was the plan.

He got back to the mall in time and we went back to the clinic to wait. When the doctor called me in, the first thing they thought was that I was pregnant. I didn’t think I was pregnant but they made me go pee in a cup. They got the results and my significant other took a sneak peek at their notes saw that it said positive. However, before the doctor told us he double-checked with the receptionist and I remember hearing the receptionist not being sure if it was positive. Anyways, none of that really mattered. The doctor ordered some prenatal labs and also for me to do the gestational diabetes test. The doctor made us think we were pregnant.

I didn’t think I was pregnant, and both myself and my significant other kind of freaked out at the news. We were in shock, what were we going to do? My significant other decided to call in to work sick as well that day to take the day to process everything.

That week, we went and got my labs done and expected a call from the doctor a couple weeks later. When no call occurred, I remembered seeing something about ehealth and getting your results online. I ended up signing up for it because I didn’t want to waste my time waiting at the walk-in. By the time, I got my results online, we had already started getting excited over the prospect of having a baby together.

When we read my results and found out I wasn’t pregnant, we were devastated. A couple days later I got my period. I was worried I miscarried but I asked a friend of mine who I know has had a miscarriage what it was like. After hearing her experiences, I was pretty sure I didn’t miscarry but what about that day and that extreme lightheadedness.

We later read in “What to expect when you are expecting” about chemical pregnancies. My significant other also looked it up online and figured that is what I had.

I felt like I was dying that day but what was worse was finding out I wasn’t pregnant after all. It was probably the scariest and worst experience I have ever had. So much harder because we had told our closest family that we were pregnant to make it real to us, only to find out that we weren’t. We got so excited for nothing. It hurt my significant other the hardest. I always had an inkling it wasn’t true but he got excited and then I did too. It was really difficult for us and we fought about it too. I made him talk about it with me, but it was like losing a child you never even had. The hope of a child was killed.

I believe that I experienced the chemical pregnancy that day that I felt lightheaded because I am very sensitive to changes in my body. The egg and sperm trying to connect and make something but just didn’t quite match. The hormones and changes in my body probably made me lightheaded. The possibility of matching made a positive pregnancy test result. I don’t wish this upon anyone. Actually feeling this happen, I’m not sure how many people do but it was a scary day for me. Another reason why I believe I was actually experiencing it happen that particular day is that when I did actually get pregnant, I had no real symptoms except tiredness and tender boobs.

One of the things I felt like I needed to write about was my experience with a chemical pregnancy especially after I actually got knocked up. I don’t think there is a lot of out there from a personal experience except maybe on forums, which is why I felt the need to share.

My chemical pregnancy occurred about a month or so before I actually got pregnant. My fiancé and I were/are not trying to get pregnant.

For anybody who has lost a child or the hope of a child, I feel for you. It was devastating for us and we weren’t prepared to have a child nor did we want one. At the end of the day, my only suggestion is to talk to each other. It doesn’t just affect one person, it affects both and being able to talk about it, is what helped us cope together as a couple and not as two separate people losing something.

❀ Sarah