to: me · to: motherhood · to: my mom

to: my mom

to: my mom

Even though you can’t read this. I needed to write it. I’m sorry for being such a stubborn kid.

I know life hasn’t been the easiest for you and I know I’m not making it any easier by getting knocked up before I got married. Well at least I’m engaged which is more shocking than anything I think because I never wanted to get married.

Love always,

Your daughter

One of my first decisions as a mother-to-be involved having an argument with my mom. It was one of the hardest argument and decision I have had to make. It involved lying or telling the truth. Some back story, my fathers side of the family is a bit more traditional and in Asian cultures, face is very important.

After I had told my mom I was pregnant, she told my dad and her side of the family. So, I asked if she told my dad’s side of the family and this is when I knew we were going to have a disagreement. She wanted to lie and say that my fiancé and I got married and am now having a baby. To some, it’s just a little white lie. To me, I didn’t want my son to grow up having to pretend and lie. I grew up having to lie or pretend that I didn’t know as much as I did or that I had to lie so that they wouldn’t ask too many questions. I hated that. It’s exhausting to me and that’s one of the reasons why I could never stay in Taiwan for very long. 

I wanted to teach my son to be an honest person. How can I do that if I’m lying to him or telling him to lie? It really did come down to what kind of person I wanted my son to be, the values I wanted to teach him.

So, I told my mom, I can tell my dads side of the family if you want me to. I told her that if they cared, they didn’t ever have to see my son. If they even so much as acted like it mattered, they don’t get to see my son. We live miles and miles away. I have to make the effort and time to go see them. At the end of the day, it’s my choice, my son.

My mom folded and agreed to do things my way and I, well, I became a mother in that moment. Even before my child was born, I became his mother.

When was your moment of realizing you were a parent? Not you know when the baby is born but when you thought about things differently. My mindset clearly changed in that moment as I knew immediately I would not want my mother to lie not because of me but because of how I wanted my child to grow up. I thought about my child first before I thought of myself. When did that happen for you?

❤ Sarah

Self-care Sundays · to: me · to: motherhood · to: my therapy

#selfcaresundays – why I’m going for walks

to: me

This week as my fiancé goes for runs, Tux and I have been going for walks.

  

I decided to go for walks while my fiancé goes for runs because I needed to get out of the house. 

I’m tired of being at home all day and night. 

I’m tired of going out just for errands. 

I’m tired of the chaos that is bringing a baby anywhere. 

I’m just tired of being a mom. 

Yes, I said it. 

Some days, I really am. I just want to stop. But, yes I still have to take my baby boy out for these walks with me and no, it’s not for him. These walks are for me because sometimes, you just need to stop and smell the roses.

This is my therapy. Writing and walking.

This is how I will take care of myself, my mental, emotional, physical self.  

These walks are refreshing as it helps me stay more active and get out of the house without too much of a struggle. It gives me my sanity back if not for only a brief moment, I feel me again.

How are you parents keeping your sanity? Especially those stay-at-home parents? What keeps you going?

❤ Sarah

to: me · to: motherhood

to: me – I made this

to: me

Today, I just had that moment of I made this while looking at Tux.

It’s amazing how in the weirdest moments, you realize you made this. You made him. He’s already 2 months and I think this is the first moment I went wow, I did this.

It’s been so surreal to me all this time. What with being busy attending to his needs and doing stuff around the house etc. In a brief moment today, I realized this little man, I created him.

That’s all I wanted to share today.

❤ Sarah

to: my baby

to: my baby – your first fever

to: my baby Tux

After your 2 month shots, you got your first fever. Daddy was super worried and sad (sad because he had to go to work). Mommy was worried too but not as much. We got Tylenol just in case as it was what the doctor recommended if you did get a fever. But I didn’t want to have to give it to you. So, I took some of your layers off and we had some skin to skin time. You were definitely warmer than normal and that’s when I wasn’t sure if I could help bring down your temperature.

Luckily you didn’t lose your appetite and still drank your milk like normal but you didn’t sleep well during the day so after that first bedtime feeding, we slept together. I never thought I would co-sleep but I also didn’t want to hold you in my lap all night long just so you can sleep well through the night. So you slept in my arm, I held you close sleeping on our sides. You slept till your next feed. A little fussier than normal but it could also be because I tried to measure your temperature. It seems like the fever has come down since and I’m relieved. I didn’t have to give you Tylenol. So, I put you back in your crib to sleep. 

The next day was still a struggle, you spat up a bit. Ok, a lot in one sitting and you had some diarrhea but you still didn’t lose your appetite and still drank your milk. You had a bit of a fever again but than you were back to normal in no time. You really got us worried there.

But you did it and all the while still happy and smiling.

  

❤ Mom

PS: for those reading this and questioning my parenting skills, the fever wasn’t high. It is an expected side effect of getting the vaccine. Tylenol was recommended but we chose not to use it as his fever wasn’t too too high not was he crying constantly. This is also not a post about whether or not you should get your child vaccinated. This is just a letter to my child.

to: my baby

to: my baby – 2 month check up and shots

to: my baby Tux,

You are 2 months and a couple days now. I’m sorry you had to get a check up and shots but you did amazing. You only cried when the needles went in. I know it must have hurt but I also know you probably won’t remember this.

It’s for your own good. The most important thing for mommy is that you are safe and healthy. Don’t ever forget that.

You’ve had a rough morning. Even though you fell asleep right away while we were feeding you when we got home. You kept stirring and not really in a deep sleep. So, I’m holding you now till I have to feed you again. You are amazing and I love you!

❤ Mom

PS: I would include a picture but he really is just sleeping in my arms and I don’t want to wake him.