to: my mom
Even though you can’t read this. I needed to write it. I’m sorry for being such a stubborn kid.
I know life hasn’t been the easiest for you and I know I’m not making it any easier by getting knocked up before I got married. Well at least I’m engaged which is more shocking than anything I think because I never wanted to get married.
One of my first decisions as a mother-to-be involved having an argument with my mom. It was one of the hardest argument and decision I have had to make. It involved lying or telling the truth. Some back story, my fathers side of the family is a bit more traditional and in Asian cultures, face is very important.
After I had told my mom I was pregnant, she told my dad and her side of the family. So, I asked if she told my dad’s side of the family and this is when I knew we were going to have a disagreement. She wanted to lie and say that my fiancé and I got married and am now having a baby. To some, it’s just a little white lie. To me, I didn’t want my son to grow up having to pretend and lie. I grew up having to lie or pretend that I didn’t know as much as I did or that I had to lie so that they wouldn’t ask too many questions. I hated that. It’s exhausting to me and that’s one of the reasons why I could never stay in Taiwan for very long.
I wanted to teach my son to be an honest person. How can I do that if I’m lying to him or telling him to lie? It really did come down to what kind of person I wanted my son to be, the values I wanted to teach him.
So, I told my mom, I can tell my dads side of the family if you want me to. I told her that if they cared, they didn’t ever have to see my son. If they even so much as acted like it mattered, they don’t get to see my son. We live miles and miles away. I have to make the effort and time to go see them. At the end of the day, it’s my choice, my son.
My mom folded and agreed to do things my way and I, well, I became a mother in that moment. Even before my child was born, I became his mother.
When was your moment of realizing you were a parent? Not you know when the baby is born but when you thought about things differently. My mindset clearly changed in that moment as I knew immediately I would not want my mother to lie not because of me but because of how I wanted my child to grow up. I thought about my child first before I thought of myself. When did that happen for you?